Warning: The following post contains personal moaning and really has not a lot to do with roleplaying so feel free to skip it and move along!
It has been a while since I last put something up here. I am so slack with blogs that it frightens me sometimes. I start out with loads of good intentions and end up with huge gaps of time where I find it difficult to think anyone will care what I have to say. So I decided I might as well write for myself.
Today has been an odd one. Went to the gym for the first time in ages, finally trying to get rid of the extra bits and bobs I accumulated doing my unhealthy police job. Sitting still for 10 hours at a time really can screw you up. I remember being fit once so hopefully things will bet back ship shape pretty soon.
Went to see Tropic Thunder at the cinema. It was really funny. Some very good acting even if the plot is rather predictable. Some great one liners.
Ended up feeling really defensive and down about the site. I have been running it for almost 6 years and most of the time I feel really good about what I am doing. However it has increasingly become more and more like a job and less and less fun to do. We started this whole actual play business and now we are not novel any more. We are not even really tipped a wink as being the originators of this stuff. Due to the sheer amount of audio on the site now we are getting less and less compliments about the stuff we personally produce and to be honest we are catching more flack than praise.
Since moving to the states we have not had anywhere near the lively chat that we used to have on the site and with DnD 4e coming out we seem to have even more criticism. The Texan players are just very different from my old UK players. Sometimes I miss my old group a huge amount. We got on so well and just worked as a group. Lindsay did not have to berate anyone for cross talking or not playing in character and things just worked really well. It's been pretty strained around here of late; at home; and I was hoping that some things were going to sort themselves out. I can see us returning to the UK and being 10 times worse off than when we first left. I like it here but sometimes the changes are hard and I miss my old friends.
Lindsay has been great as always but she is hugely stressed as well. We need to get out of our current situation and move on with things but we are stuck. Trapped on my student visa unless one of us can secure a job that will support a work visa application and a green card. It is just such an uphill battle to stay here that sometimes I wonder if it is worth the effort. We could go back to the UK and just apply for jobs and that would be that. Our house would be smaller, the petrol and food would be more expensive but we would be treated like real people and not some kind of invader who just wants to leech things and mooch about.
I have started looking into trying to get a job sorted for when I finish my course. I should be able to work from January and would love to find something that I like doing. I don't think I have ever had a job that I have loved doing and I think that would make a huge difference. We need change soon otherwise things are going to turn stale and bad really fast.
I have been planning an update to RPGMP3 for years now (probably at least 3). I have some great ideas to set up a gaming community (not a fake one like Gleemax). A friendly place, where gamers can meet up and share things, listen to the audio games and contribute. Somewhere healthy rather than bitchy. Sadly I am running out of steam. The site is starting to take its tole. There is not a day goes by when I don't have to process an audio file or upload something, or pay some server bills. What started out as a bit of fun on the side of my hobby is starting to look a lot like work. The site is doing really well, people are joining every day, we have enough Patrons and donations to cover the fees.
I am just starting to wonder if I am becoming a weight around it's neck and maybe the limiting factor on the site is me.
Not sure where I am going with this. It sounds like I am moaning and I don't mean to. Things get me thinking and I have no idea how to stop them from spinning away from me. I have given a lot to the site over the years and I think that I have neglected things I should not have, Lindsay (who I love more than anything else on this earth) being the major one. I wish I could have the time again so that I could change things. I am heading towards something that I don't want to face and whatever happens I am going to lose something - I am just not sure what yet, or if there is a way to avoid it and come out whole on the other side.
I know I should not have written this here, but I don't think many folks look at this to be honest. If you were looking for some light hearted roleplaying chat then I am truely sorry, and if you got this far down this post, thanks for reading.
Wednesday Action Log 5-1-24
4 hours ago
Posts
8 comments:
Hey Hal...
You have to do what's right for you and your family, I can't help with the Brit in the US thing, but I know all about running an RPG site that's no 'getting the love'!
If you want my opinion (its okay if you don't - I'm going to tell you anyway :P), you'll know when it's time to give up - it's when you start finding excuses not to work on things! Until then, days like this will come and go.
I don't mean to sound all 'Know-it-All', but sometimes the old mind and body are telling you things that you yourself aren't noticing and when at last you catch up it comes at a hell of a shock! My wife always says that the day hobbies starts being like a job is the day it better start paying like one :P Until then it's just a hobby... and hobbies should be nothing but fun!
Talking from experience I have a couple of suggestions that might help, so if you want to discuss them you can catch me under the handle Binder on RPGMP3.com
Good luck and all the best to you and yours!
Marcus
Hi Hal
I love rpgmp3.com. I know it's 'only' a website but through the audios, forums and general chat I've found a hobby I enjoy and, more importantly, friends when I've needed them.
But...
it is 'only' a website. If there comes a time when you feel it's getting in the way of more important things like relationships and (I won't say REAL 'cos it is part of it) outside life, then it's OK to take a back seat, perhaps hand the reins to other people for a bit until the stuff that really matters is sorted and happier.
Anywhoo, that's my tuppence worth.
I hope things look up for you and Lindsay soon.
Love to you both.
It's not easy running sites. There's always a lot of behind the scenes admin that takes up time, never mind the stuff people can see!
I think Marcus is right. If it starts becoming a chore and not a hobby (and fun) it maybe worth re-evaluating things.
I set up and used to run the Goblin Broadcast Newtork for Gaming Podcasts, but it felt like it became a chore and too big a drain on my time, so I handed it over to others who could carry it on.
I hope it's just a temporary down for you, things usually pick up, but whatever you decide I'm sure it will be the right thing.
Hi Mr. Hal,
Just wanted to let you know that probably more people read this than you know.
Out of curiosity, do you have a rpg that you play and don't record? That might help keep things in perspective.
I think you do this because you like games and want to share how fun games can be with others.
Mahaps you could train some monkeys to do the audio editing and uploading, which seems to be the time drain, and you can do what you enjoy: game!
Just a few thoughts.
I only recently came to the site (under the name Telemergion) and, I'll admit, this is the first time I clicked the link to this blog.
I really get what you're going through. I made a major move to the big city from the middle of nowhere. I did my best to make it work. One day, I was sitting at my desk and it struck me that I wasn't happy with the way things were going. I'd made some great friends, but whenever I was with them I was always thinking of the other stuff in my life and I couldn't enjoy myself. So I moved back home to the country. Now I have no social life, I typically only see my friends once a month, if that, and I'm unemployed so it's not like I can afford to do anything fun. But I'm happy. I help out on the farm, we're renovating the house, and my distant groups of friends and I have started playing DnD every week online.
So whatever you decide, do what makes you happy. I certainly don't regret it.
That being said, I do hope you stick around on the site. Maybe hand over the site admin duties to someone else, but my favourite parts of the recordings are you DMing. Listening to you handle situations in the WLD is what inspired me to just recently take over the mantle of DM in my group. I've never done that before. Heck, I've only technically played about a dozen sessions in my life. But I've always wanted to, and in a couple weeks we'll see if I can manage it.
So, whatever happens, I want to thank you for that. You've made me happy, and I hope you can do the same for yourself and Lindsay.
P.S- I know I am one of the more recent rules-lawyery types in the 4E area. I hope my corrections aren't being taken as negative criticisms.
Dang, Hal. Hope you can find your fun again.
I can only echo others' sentiments, here: When something you only did for fun stops being fun, it is reasonable--and perhaps healthy--to stop doing it. The surest cure for burnout is to stop burning, right?
Hal,
I came to RPGMP3 through a link on Role-playing Public Radio. I got to RPPR from a post on a gaming forum about actual play audio. I have listened to a variety of actual plays now and have to say, yours have inspired me to be a better game master. Your style could be studied and taught as an example of one of a school of game mastering. The school of awsome. I hope you guys are having half the fun you seem to be having while you're playing.
If all the extra stuff you do to support RPGMP3 is weighing you down, that really sucks! You've done your fans a service that few have been brave enough to attempt. Gaming sessions are very personal and difficult for outsiders to understand (woe to the non-gamer!). I cannot thank you enough for sharing them with me.
Hope your spirits are brighter now and that the storm passes your family intact!
Game on,
Ed
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